feeling increasingly detached from family, friends, from this world.
i keep giving myself reasons to be emo or pissed, but ultimately i realise that the 1090 rule still applies.
why do i keep desiring positive outcomes but my actions are showing otherwise?
why do i keep choosing to face problems with a pessimistic mindset?
i am faced with two choices; the good and the bad.
why am i still doing the devil's bidding?
i can't possibly attend two hours of morning grouping and another two hours of ndt everyday.
where am i?
where has the real me gone to?
i failed the interview, and there were plenty of reasons for her to fail me.
if it was a month ago, i wouldn't be answering her questions the way i did.
i wouldn't be forcing so many smiles, i wouldn't be hesitating, i wouldn't be lying about my employment history.
i wouldn't be feeling down after the interview, i wouldn't be calling...........
bring me back!!!!!
i hate being the way i am now.
getting fucking pissed over trivial matters, behaving like a bimbo, whining about everything...
yes and here i am now whining again.
please bring the old me back!
im so gonna rot and die if i don't revert to my old self!




okay. problem solving time now.



1. yes i know she cares about me. she has my welfare at heart, she's worried about me. but just that her way of showing concern for me is sometimes inappropriate, like lecturing over the phone, yelling yadayada. yes i know you're tired, but all that worrying is more exhausting for her did you know?! besides, she's getting on her years and her health isn't all that great. filial piety haven't you heard?

solution: speak nicely to her, even when you've had a long day and you're freaking exhausted. calm down when you were pissed. she didn't offend you, she isn't involved, why're you venting your anger on her?



2. you guys were okay, and improving. now because of this silly little matter everything's back to square one. you don't want that do you? you don't want to feel awkward and restricted at home do you? similarly, he has your interests at heart. whose parents aren't concerned about their own flesh and blood? and you cannot deny that what he said is wrong. low crime doesn't mean no crime. yes singapore is a safe country but you know, late at night, anything can happen. and besides you're a girl! the curfew isn't there for nothing! he's just worried about you because he knows that you have yet to mature and you have yet seen the society. chill girl, and grow up. things aren't getting any better because you are always the one who's so obstinate.

solution: take things a step at a time, and see how they progress. take initiative. it's never too late to change. don't blurt sarcastic, hurtful words on impulse. don't act rashly. think before you make every move and enunciate every word! (this takes time!)



3. some people, they're just born this way. and they can't possibly change if you find their traits disturbing, irksome, blah. you can choose to keep, or to abandon. the ultimate decision lies in you. remember, 1090 rule!

solution: don't take things to heart. if you feel uncomfortable, just HECK CARE. it's their own business anyway, why do you have to make your own life so difficult by complicating things and getting involved in other's business?



4. you can't do much but let nature take its course. you can't force someone to.......




i feel much better now after saying what i'd always wanted to say.
ming tian hui geng hao! :)