an overdue post.


i was childish, i was immature. i did things of my own accord. i couldn't care less what they would think. it didn't bother me if it would worry them. i just wanted to be away, i wanted to be with my friends, i didn't want to go home to face them, i didn't want to go home (already dead tired) and get nagged and scolded. he said if i was ever late again, if i ever reached home after midnight, i no longer need to go home, he wouldn't want an unfilial daughter like me. he said home is like a hotel or motel to me, just a place for me to sleep, i can come and go as and when i like. he said i show no concern about them, i come home late to avoid them. actually he was wrong, because back then i thought 'i come home late to avoid you only, not mum.' mum called me cantrememberhowmanytimes and i didn't want to pick up the phone. i walked to the park. techno leapt onto my lap and purred and rubbed its head against my knee. he called and obviously i didnt want to pick up the phone. i slept in a horrible position, i supposedly drooled, i got woken up they wanted to have breakfast, he walked me home. what was i thinking? i was angry with myself for telling the truth, and more importantly i was thinking if you had doubts as to whether or not you should tell me what you wanted to say, then i'd rather you not tell me anything because the impact of your words could only be short-term happiness, or, prolonged emo-mood. an unrealistic hope for an encouraging message.


to the people who cared, who were bugged for my home number, who were worried (sounds like many but not actually) : thank you for your concern and for letting me know that my existence is appreciated. sorry for being bugged. sorry for worrying. sorry for the trouble and inconvenience i caused.


i went back at 8am. i had a two-hour lecture on karma and moral values. i was brimming with anger, i was clenching my fists, the second finger on my right hand, it was erect throughout.


this is going to sound silly. many of the silly stuff i've attempted.
'ending my life with a ball of string'
'i want to kick your balls and laugh as you scream in agony'
and i actually left it on my table before dropping dead on my bed.


it didn't cross my mind that you'll be quite worried. perhaps i thought, maybe a little?? and not to a great extent. well the only person i thought of calling is you. the only number i remember, its yours.
meeting you. i missed seeing you, talking to you, poking you, whacking you.
calming down and sorting out my thoughts, that didn't happen till i started reflecting about what you said, and i realised what you said made much sense, and i started to accept...the lecture, their scoldings, their naggings, cause i know that deep down they do care for me, just that perhaps....they show their concern in a different way.
thank you caitou:)



changing for the better(: